Lesbian Lizards

Upon one’s morning stroll one couldn’t help but marvel at the bird’s sweet song and the flowers delicate splendour… what could be more pleasant than a wander through the English countryside… certainly not a stagger through the parched deserts of Arizona, where instead of bird song and blooms you might be lucky enough to spot two rather drab lady lizards humping the hell out of one another … though one can’t help but point out that the bird’s song, the delightful flowers and indeed the lesbian lizard’s leathery frot are all about one thing…

I say!

Yes rumpy pumpy. It’s the reason why birds warble and why flowers unfurl, it’s why a hummingbird is as iridescent as a polished gem and why a blue-footed booby has such marvellous azure feet, why the hooded seal inflates a scarlet sack out of its schnoz, why the suberb lyrebird sings the most delightful tunes, and why squillions of other creatures are so bloody marvellous too. What’s more one has inkling that it may be something to do with the faint sound of whip cracks coming from the basement of this less than salubrious gentlemen’s club.

Bally good reason for all this effort into getting some bedroom malarkey too… Yes it’s rather good fun, and of course it makes wee ones who can go off and make wee ones of their own. We are rather fond of making wee ones… little bits of us going on to live forever… we’ve talked about all that gubbins yes, though it is what all that sloshing around downstairs leads to that is the interesting thing…

...unhand me you buffoon, one is on her way to a K.D. Lang concerto...

Not only is it how we ensure our genes are passed down the generations it’s also rather important at mixing things up. In the sticky goo that is left at the end of the act something rather remarkable happens. Of course life is born, but it’s a unique life, like a deck of cards that has been shuffled and out pops a new hand; something completely unique.

Why all this smutty muttering? Well the lesbian lizards, or New Mexico whiptail lizards as their women’s empowerment group are petitioning for them to be known, have decided that they don’t need all this recombinant business with chaps and have done away with all that icky swapping things downstairs. They simply clone themselves to make a new lizard, another lady, just like their lady-loving selves. Aaaah yes, the lesbian thingamujig, well yes while it seems like they may as well have done away with all that energetic to-ing and fro-ing, there may well be some advantage to these romps. Indeed studies have shown that nuptials may still facilitate the making of more lesbian lizards… and so a couple of the ladies will still get jiggy with it… quite right too.

Published in: on September 16, 2010 at 8:14 am  Leave a Comment  


If you were lucky enough to be bobbing around in Space and looking down on our big wet rock, you might notice some bits that are rather dry. In these dry bits are some places that are particularly parched and in them are some seas. These aren’t the sorts of seas you’d want to sit aside with a sandwich and a light ale until you went a fetching shade of pink mind, they are the great sand seas; Erg… No, no, I’m feeling fine, that’s what these huge shifting sands are called; ‘Erg’… No, I’m fine, it’s the blasted name ‘Erg’… bugger it, let’s just call them the ‘great sand seas’.


These sand seas are whopping great lakes of powdered rock, enormous waves of stone constantly shifting, ebbing and flowing with the winds. Swathes of nothingness; very little vegetation, with a smattering of creatures surviving on whatever is unlucky enough to be blown into a scorching hot desert full of hungry things.

... how do you do?

One of these hungry little devils is the rather smashing sandfish. These fishy characters are actually a type of skink; a big group of lizards known for their lack of neck and weeny limbs. Of course he’s not the only chap with a rumbling tummy in these big desolate sand pits. The problem with empty spaces is that they are very hard to hide from things that see you as supper. Hungry sods aren’t the only thing that is trying to give you a dreadful day at the seaside either, there is a bloody big hot thing in the sky trying to put the kibosh on it too. Thankfully the wee sandfish has had a rather smashing idea.

This particular wee skink is the fish of these great sandy seas, which goes part way to explain why they are so imaginatively titled. If there is any sign of anything hungry, or indeed if it’s hotter than a Khartoum canteen that day, he just sploshes under the surface of the soft sand and swims off, the sand being so fine in the Erg it behaves like a gloopy fluid.

... a sandfish acting all fishy in sand

Before you bugger off on some other noble pursuit, and of course before one begins something ignoble, it may be of note that ours isn’t the only big rock that has these big sand seas. There are Erg on Mars and Venus, and doubtless countless other planets… and who knows what could be sploshing around under them.

Erg on Mars

Published in: on April 27, 2010 at 11:16 am  Leave a Comment